Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
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“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.