Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

Great game to play with friends

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.