Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.