Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
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me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
realest tweet ever.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes