Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house