Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire