Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
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*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me: