Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

[my deathbed]

Kid: Mom where are my shoes?

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.