Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
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one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
$3 #books
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
🤣
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.