Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
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Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Actually cracking up @ this
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
