Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat