Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
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[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I put the I in Insufferable.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
