Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?