Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything