Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.