Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
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My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much