Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
You Might Also Like
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
🍛
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast