Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
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The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.