Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

very niche meme I made

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”