Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.

Be the change!!

*loosely falls to the floor*

*quarter spins*

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to