Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

that’s really how it is

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Bro what is this

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us