Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
can’t bark with your mouth full
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.