Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Mouse
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok