Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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Are we there yet?…
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Oh my god
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.