Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I want to meet the individual who made this
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work