Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
You Might Also Like
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
subtitles are so good nowadays
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.