Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
buys donuts instead
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind