@shadonium

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

@unravelingfire

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

@WheelTod

[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!

[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!

@robfee

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

@captainkalvis

friend: whats the matter

me: just found out i have a latex allergy

friend: oh shit that means you can’t-

me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons

@Donna_McCoy

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

@kkingparsons

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name