Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
When I snag the last meatball.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.