In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
friend: whats the matter
me: just found out i have a latex allergy
friend: oh shit that means you can’t-
me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name