Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
You Might Also Like
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*