Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.