Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.