Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
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Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
You dunk one baby鈥檚 foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you鈥檙e banned from the salad bar.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
me, sober: ugh, i鈥檓 never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 馃檨
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child鈥檚 head
5. pie