Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
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I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
we all know this pain all too well
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.