Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Google reviews are always so mixed..

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”