Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
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Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.