Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Not all heroes wear capes…
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.