Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
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I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife