Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

2019: The floor is lava.

2020: The year is lava.

What’s a Messi?

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?

Wife: *pumps shotgun*

Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

So creative 😂

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

gm

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

Did I do this right

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”