Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
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[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.