TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
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With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)