Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

A short story of betrayal:

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.