Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

ㅤ

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.