Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.