Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
You Might Also Like
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Too easy.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.