Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.

#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.