Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Morning my dudes.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed