Twitter: The addiction that talks back.

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[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.


I appreciate when aerobic instructors say “Don’t forget to breathe” because I sometimes forget and then I die.


Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?


Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*


COP: can anybody else describe the suspect?
JOHN LENNON: he got feet down below his knees
COP: anybody


“Did you do your homework?” “Did you grade my test?” “I have other student’s tests to grade.” “I have other teacher’s homework to do.”


When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.


*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT


Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up


Tell her she’s glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was