@ShoutingGoddess

Twitter: The addiction that talks back.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

@StellaRtwot

I appreciate when aerobic instructors say “Don’t forget to breathe” because I sometimes forget and then I die.

@kingsleyyy

Everyone gets on the fashion industry for unrealistic beauty standards, but can we talk about unrealistic depictions of food on boxes?

@porksodachop

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

@buttgh0st

COP: can anybody else describe the suspect?
JOHN LENNON: he got feet down below his knees
COP: anybody

@mrace_ventura

“Did you do your homework?” “Did you grade my test?” “I have other student’s tests to grade.” “I have other teacher’s homework to do.”

@JimGaffigan

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

@nottheworstmom

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

@Incilin

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

@torrami

Tell her she’s glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was