Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
You Might Also Like
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
new record!
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Harsh but fair
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
early stone age tool
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.