Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this