If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
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Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair