They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
You Might Also Like
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.