twitter users today:
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I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”