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My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly