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One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan