Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

could’ve been anyone

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

Plant care tips

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.