Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.