I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Nice try, poison.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are