Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.