Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*