Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]