Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how much does a mortician urn in a year

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

What do you hear?

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.