Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

Not now. I’m deglazing.

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

Facebook memories be like

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning