Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

Already got one

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Aaaa…CHOO!

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3