Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
as is their right
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.