Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever
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I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom