Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.