Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar