Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like