@flouncingqueen

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

- @flouncingqueen

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@KeetPotato

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

@abbycohenwl

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

@kailaniskye

my 14 year old sister posted on snap “sucks to see someone else enjoying the man you built” LMAO

@neiltyson

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

@BGH70

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

@david8hughes

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

@whatkylasaid

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

@sock_holliday

[Doctor’s Office]

Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live.

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week

@ArfMeasures

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut