Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

🔦🌙👣

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

bury ourselves

😭😭😭

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!