Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Lmao

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.